Four months ago yesterday, we found out that we were expecting twins. I started this blog awhile after the dust of that announcement had settled so I'll run you through the circumstances, and my thoughts leading up and through all of this craziness.
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Most of the month November 2008, I was playing pretend. Pretend you don't notice, pretend it's not happening, pretend.....you're not pregnant. Deep down, okay, not that deep, I knew I was pregnant--I could feel it. Actually, literally, I could feel it. I hadn't had my monthly "time" since September, but tried to brush it off that I was never really regular after Hayden was born.
Friday, November 21st, we decided enough was enough. We were heading to Kansas City with some friends for a long weekend. Shopping, staying in a hotel, the guys were going to a few basketball games, and awesome BBQ. I knew staying in a hotel equals soaking in a hot-tub, and the sign above the hot tub says "Do not use Preg-o Ladies"....er, something to that affect.
So, I took one test and that was it. Positive. I tried realllly hard not to show how bothered I was, but I was not excited. On our way to Kansas City on Saturday, Jesse casually said to me, 'This may not be the time to bring this up.....but what if it's twins.' Hah. Yeah, right--who even has twins, seriously?! So, on we went with our weekend, and I just pretended nothing was different. All the while hoping that we had gotten some kind of false positive.
Monday evening, the girls and I went out for dinner with the babies while the boys went to the basketball games. I could not keep my silence any longer. And I cried. a lot. I don't remember just how I stuck my bombshell into the conversation, but it was definitely a bombshell! Obviously, I think that having a baby is wonderful--I would not change that for the world. But as I sat there with my 6 1/2 month old son, I wanted more time with JUST him, getting to enjoy all of his "first" milestones and even some of his "second" milestones--I wanted to keep him all to myself! Amy & Janae assured me of their prayers and the weekend came to a close. Jesse was none too thrilled that I told the girls our news, aka the Atom Bomb.
All I could think about was:
- How could we let this happen?! It's not like we don't know how to prevent it!
- People are going to think that we can't figure out birth control! We are not animals!
- I just feel bad that we won't get to enjoy Hayden into the toddler years like I had hoped/planned.
- ANOTHER baby?! Two babies in diapers?!
- This totally foils my plan of doing in home childcare by having two babies so close in age.
So, Tuesday I go to the doctor, praying that I had gotten a false positive with the at-home test. All the while knowing.....it was a true positive.
In consultation with the doctor, he told me what I knew. We were having another baby. Asked me all the initial questions, and then he got to one that stumped me. What was the first day of your last menstrual cycle? The heck if I know. I couldn't even give him a ballpark. Solution: Ultrasound tomorrow morning at 8am. No problem, we'll be there.That night I prayed 'Let the ultrasound show nothing--this is all just insanity!'
Barb, our ultrasonographer {and my co-worker} started the consultation and made casual small talk and asked us about our son who was with us. I said, yes, he's almost 7 months. "Oh," she said, "You'll be a very busy mom {starts the scan}........yes, in fact, you'll be a very busy mom....this is twins!"
W A T E R W O R K S.
I have very little recollection of what I said, but I know that I cried a lot, tried to laugh/cry and Barb asked me if I was okay several times.
This changed things. A lot.
Much more than I anticipated.
This was no longer about me and my selfish desires or "plans". Suddenly, this was all so much bigger than me. I knew in my head that all babies are a miracle from God, but with the modernization of medecine seemed like a switch that man could just turn on and off at our own will. Silly me, that I would think that in some way I could outplan, outwit, outsmart the almighty God?! Hah!
Later on that day, a song came on the radio that brought all of my selfish thoughts and what I thought were my "desires" into a humble perspective.
V.2 Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom
Chorus: Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
Wow. How selfish I really am that I couldn't be thankful for the BLESSING that God was giving to us. I apologize to any of you who are reading this who cannot have a baby. I do not know and cannot comprehend the depths for which you long to hold your own child, and you probably want to beat me upside the head for being insensitive and selfish. I do not blame you.
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward." Psalm 127:3
"Awestruck, we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim:
'You are AMAZING, God!'"
1 comment:
I remember exactly what you said when you told me. I was saying to Janae that now that I've been through pregnancy and childbirth, I get really excited when I hear that my friends are pregnant because it is such an amazing experience and you said, "Well...start getting excited." Then I think I peed my pants :)
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